Mon, Sep 4–Sat, Oct 28: Quandary

– It’s raining hard now, making the old pine trees in my backyard sway.

– I’ve been occupied by working and dating. Lots of first dates. Some second dates. A couple third dates. No fourth dates. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m trying hard not to pursue girls where I can’t picture it working out, or if I’m just not up to the task yet. Dating gets tiresome. Beyond the weekly time and energy required, it starts to take up too much space on my mental plate, keeping track of who is whom and who is from where and what we’ve talked about and what I’ve worn and all that. I’m not a details oriented person.

– I don’t feel disingenuous or morally compromised by dating a lot of people, but I don’t think I can function like this permanently.

– I think I have a hangup about things getting serious. It’s less to do with not being over the last girl I seriously dated, and more about not wanting to go through the seemingly inevitable relationship lifecycle once again. It’s like every relationship is a little life; in the end it dies tragically and I am born anew. Relationship reincarnation. Except I always come back as me.

– I haven’t done any creative writing in a long time. There’s a fear there, too.

– I haven’t lifted since I broke my pinky, but I’ve been playing a lot of basketball.

– Starting to hate my roommate.

– I turn 31 in a week or so. I sometimes wonder if I’m on any kind of forward trajectory, or if I’m just coasting along on the waves, parallel with the shore but not getting any closer. I’m seeing a lot of the coastline, I suppose.
+ Just to elaborate on this a bit more. There are a lot of considerations. For instance, is the world going to end in my lifetime? Even if it doesn’t end, will it look radically worse in 20 years, with global warming having destroyed major coastal cities and shit? Because if things are going to hell, I don’t care so much that I’m not moving towards like, home-ownership and continuing the bloodline. But if I really do feel like nothing I do much matters, maybe I should be living even more carelessly? Then there’s the counterargument, which is that the world is unlikely to end in my lifetime, even if shit gets worse for awhile, we’ll figure out a way to deal with it. In which case I could turn 40 and find out we’ve solved global warming and then have another 60 years of life to cope with. From what vantage point do I want to be looking at that scenario? Or are these hypotheticals I constantly consider all bullshit, because the only thing you can really do in life is make the best choices available to you at the time, hoping that they take you closer to evergreen goals of personal and spiritual fulfillment?

– I guess that’s it.

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